“Look for the mysterious in life. Wherever you look – in the white clouds, in the stars in the night, in the flowers, in a flowing river – wherever you look, look for the mystery. And whenever you find that a mystery is there, meditate on it. Meditation means: dissolve yourself before that mystery, annihilate yourself before that mystery, disperse yourself before that mystery. Be no more, and let the mystery be so total that you are absorbed in it. And suddenly a new door opens, a new perception is achieved.” ~ Osho
I’ve taken an unexpected break from blogging… about a month ago I stopped creating just about anything, I’m not sure why. I have a few ideas about which events and thoughts triggered this episode, but I’m okay with not knowing exactly why I crashed and burned and fell apart. I slipped into a place of having no idea how to move forward with my life. For a couple of weeks I did not understand why I could not just pick up the pieces and move forward???
Luckily I have some amazing people in my life that continue to hold space for this process I still seem to be in. I need time to experiment with new ways of moving forward with out defining specific goals or results. I am making slow progress as I re ~ imagine my dreams and direction.
The world of blogging has been a fascinating journey that I did not know I would become so enamoured with I am fascinated by the opportunity to express and connect. I feel so blessed and excited when friends, family and even strangers comment on something I shared. When someone writes a response or sends me an email that is inspired by what I posted WOW! I feel seen and understood and connected to that nameless thing that connects all of us. Sometimes I even feel that what I created and shared made a difference. That’s an amazing feeling.
The difficult side of the journey for me is the process of putting a post together. I was honored when a friend once described my blog as meaty. There is a density and depth I am after in life that I attempt to express in my blog. This desire often puts me up against my perfectionist tendencies. I have spent countless hours cropping a photo 15 times till it looks just how I want it. I will re-write a sentence or paragraph 20 times hoping you won’t notice that I struggle with dyslexia / proper grammar?? And the techy side of learning how to manipulate the templates and widgets can spin me out into fits of frustration.
I thought that, after going through a month of letting things fall away that no longer serve, I might jump back into blogging with a new style – - -
perhaps randomly writing in a casual text format of abbreviations – i don’t know what many of them mean outside of lol and omg – but i do love typing with no caps… run on sentences… lots of ellipses and emoticons <3…and whatever else seems to express my mood of the moment! there is something about this messy conversational spewing and sharing that i love… i am brave enough to email some of my closest friends in this sloppy style, it feels real and raw
But I’m not sure yet how I want to shift my blog posts. I just know that today I am ready to post again and there is a comfort in the EFFORT I go through in any of my creative projects. It feels like home.
I have always tried too hard, and I may always try too hard. There are moments when things flow and I’m lost in that place of pure expression, but the effort that surrounds the flow is usually necessary for any flow to exist. So today I will let some tears roll down my face. I will be okay with my personality quirks causing me unnecessary pain and confusion. I will re-read and re-tweak this 5 more times before I dare post. I will sort through photos and quotes for as long as it takes to find just the right match.
Perhaps in my next post I’ll be in the mood to share just a few fun photos… a simple sentence… or a random offering that is full of ease or conviction, but today it actually feels good to share and accept my neurotic attempt at awkward perfection.